01.30.2002 - My Boy Turns Twenty-One

Today was Mr. Bestfriendinthewholewideworld's twenty-first birthday. My little boy is all growsd up.

He called me at midnight from the liquor store. He's been a borderline alcoholic since he was a fetus, so I wasn't surprised that the first thing he did to celebrate his birthday was spend roughly the cost of my rent on liquor. He tried to check out at the store at 11:55, but the clerk made him wait until the date switched over. Sometimes I miss working retail.

Tonight, he had a mini celebration at his apartment. I was pretty giddy when I left because of the pleasant surprise that the gubment is hooking The Jeffy up with crazy madd bling bling this year in the form of my tax refund. It would have been nice to go out with the kid on his birthday, but underage friends prevented us from going anywplace he might have used his newly legal drinking status. Instead, the plan was to chill while Mr. Bestfriendinthewholewideworld inflated his liver to Yeltsin proportions.

When I got his apartment, only Mr. Bestfriendinthewholewideworld and a friend of ours from high school were there. They had just arrived back from one of Mr. Bestfriendinthewholewideworld's club meetings. When he told me where he came from, he got a shit eating grin on his face and told me he had to tell me the truth about something. His plan was to go to this meeting and advertise, without my consent, that I would be willing to take any girls there that didn't already have a date to the club's formal. For some reason, he decided to spare me the dignity of a public humiliation and only talked to one girl about it. He told her my name and mentioned that I write for the paper. Before he could finish saying the title of my column, she interrupted and shouted, "HE'S THE VULGAR GUY!" When Mr. Bestfriendinthewholeworld tried to convince her that I'm not a terrible person, she sternly stated, "he wrote a column ABOUT HIS PENIS. I am NOT going anywhere with him."

I had no time to be pissed at Mr. Bestfriendinthewholewideworld for publicly whoring me without asking me. I was too busy thinking that I need to start writing about puppy dogs and ice cream if I want to actually get ass through my column. It wasn't long before I came to my senses and thought, "uck her. I wouldn't have fun around anyone who was offended by that anyway."

At least people are reading, I guess.

Soon after, more people showed up, including the infamous Rodzilla and for roughly thirty minutes it almost looked like a party. Only a few people ended up staying for more than thirty minutes. I felt bad that we couldn't do something more exciting for his birthday, but by that point, he was drunk out of his mind and would have been happy were we hanging out in a dirty public restroom.

At about midnight, the only girl left was an attractive young lady who came with Rodney. As Mr. Bestfriendinthewholewideworld is a notorious man whore, I wasn't surprised to hear that he got it on with her after I left, but while Rodney was still there. I hope Rodney wasn't pursuing his guest romantically. Mr. Bestfriendinthewholewideworld don't love them hoes. It's kind of sad, but seeing as how he's never "poked" (his favorite term for copulation) me and not called me afterwards, I'm not terribly hurt by it. I just wish he would find one person to "poke" regularly. I can't imagine casual sex could be very fulfilling, but I'm not what one would call an authority on the subject.

I had to excuse myself a little after twelve because I'm old and need to sleep before work. I don't really feel bad for ditching out early because the festivities were about to move into the bedroom and we are going to have a proper celebration this weekend in Reno. His parents are putting us up in a suite at the Silver Legacy for the weekend. It should be a weekend full of debauchery.

Actually, more like a weekend of debauchery for him and me reading a book in the lobby while he taps ass in our room. This is how things work.

Surprisingly, I'm not bitter about it.

-- Jeffy