01.28.2002 - I Want My Baby Back

Here is this week's column. I'm sorry if it offends any of you. I know you *Nsync fans are sensitive.

JC is my favorite

Thanks to the wonders of syndication, it’s now possible to catch a very special episode of the WB’s super saccharine show 7th Heaven five days a week. Since I’m not exactly a fan of the show, this does little else for me than glut commercial breaks during re-runs of The Simpsons with thirty second spots detailing which all-consuming crisis the Camden family will solve in sixty minutes on tomorrow’s episode. Although I usually tend to block these ads out, one recently slipped into my consciousness. When I heard that Lance Bass of *Nsync would be on an upcoming episode of 7th Heaven, I became confused as to why the creators of such a Jesus-friendly show would allow someone who purveys such seemingly sexually suggestive devil songs to millions of prepubescent girls. Upon further rumination, however, I discovered that *Nsync and Jesus actually have a lot in common.

One thing that Jesus and *Nsync have in common is that they're both slightly more popular than I am. Although I have amassed quite a following over the years, I don’t think I have it in me to sell over two million records in a single week or have a popular religion centered on me. Perhaps, however, if I put in a few thousand appearances on TRL or learned how to heal lepers, things might change.

Even though they both have legions of devoted followers, Jesus and *Nsync are also similar in that it's not considered hip or cool for people to be a fan of either after one hits puberty. Don’t get me wrong: it’s entirely possible and common for teenagers and adults alike to be fantastic people while still enjoying the music of *Nsync or the teachings of Christ - it’s just not fashionable. It would be difficult to heave a medium-sized boulder at any elementary school in the country and not hit a child in either WWJD or *Nsync apparel. When people are found to be wearing such clothing after, say, the age of fourteen, they’re either donning that Joey Fatone T-shirt for irony’s sake, or they’re dorks.

I can’t stress enough that there’s nothing wrong with being a dork.

Another trait that both J-diggity and the Dirty Poppers share is that they're both huge fans of Chili's baby back ribs. If you have the self control to refrain from darting to the bathroom while FOX takes a break from Temptation Island 2 to pay the bills, you might catch *Nsync declaring their love for the dainty and delectable pork ribs in song. If the ribs are good enough for a world renowned pop act that obviously doesn’t need their Chili’s check to make it through the month to shill for them, they must be special.

If you have any doubt as to the tastiness of the baby back ribs, just ask Jesus what he thinks of them. Chili’s recently started offering meals for takeout at all their restaurants primarily because of Jesus’ request. Tired of creating a scene and having to fulfill requests from cheapskates asking him to turn their free table water into wine but not willing to give up his Thursday night baby back rib fix, Jesus asked the fine folks at Chili’s to start offering take-out meals. They complied, and now Jesus can tie back his hair, throw on some shades and dart in to grab his ribs without too many people stopping him and asking him to cure their blindness.

However, as I’m sure both Jesus and *Nsync are well aware, it helps to have killer abs if you want to retain massive amounts of followers. In order to counterbalance the countless racks of baby back ribs, *Nsync does thousands of crunches and spends hours practicing their intricate choreography. As a result, they have the rock hard midsections that send the twelve-year-old girls into epileptic seizures.

If you’ve ever seen a sculpture of the mighty J-C on the cross, I’m sure you’ve noticed the lord’s chiseled midriff. Without the time for rigorous workout routines, Jesus stayed fit by walking from village to village spreading his word. The treks paid off, because he was so fit, he could have broken the five loaves of bread that fed five thousand in Bethsaida on his rock hard abs.

If anything, these similarities prove that, contrary to what many people believe, *Nsync is probably more in sync with Jesus than with Satan. Though I too assumed that *Nsync’s incredible success was surely due to a deal struck with the Devil, I’m now led to believe otherwise. Perhaps the connections that allowed the Joey Fatone/Lance Bass cinematic masterpiece On The Line to get greenlighted and gave Justin Timberlake the power to not have sex with Britney Spears until after they’re married are not unholy after all.

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JEFFY is both a dork and a fan of irony. If you’re into that sort of thing, you can e-mail him at jeffy@diaryland.com.