02.14.2002 - You're So Bitter, You Think He's Sweet

If I actually posted this column on time, it might actually have been of use to you. Regardless, the offer in the last paragraph still stands. Enjoy.

Making The Best Of Your VD
        Either you've been blinded by the passion of a new relationship, bogged down by countless midterms or unwittingly wearing a Hallmark-resistant lead vest, but somehow, the fact that today is Valentine’s Day has completely slipped your mind. If you're among the millions of mopey singletons, you might be happy to forget about Valentine’s Day. However, if you've got a significant other and you've neglected to procure a token of your affections, this little brain fart is prone to cause a mental breakdown of Mariah Carey proportions. There's no need to fret, though, as Uncle Jeff has come through with some great last-minute gift ideas.
        It's common practice for florists to charge more than the gross national product of Bolivia for a dozen of any reasonably attractive and/or healthy flowers on Valentine’s Day. Since it usually takes a few weeks to process the paperwork necessary to sell your kidneys, buying your flowers at the last minute probably isn't a good option for you. A better idea might be to sweet-talk a freshman into treating you to lunch at one of our many fine dining commons. While you pretend to be interested in whatever dorm drama he or she yammers on about, you can concentrate on stuffing your pants to the brim with as many of the fake flowers that decorate the DC tables as you can grab. If your significant other balks at the faux flora, explain that these flowers, like your love, will never die. If your baby buys that, you're in like Flynn.
        If you’ve waited until today to try and grab a Valentine’s Day card, chances are the only thing in stock at your local retailer will be a tattered “I’m sorry I ran over your dog” card. As the mental image of tire tracks on old Rover don’t get most people hot and bothered, it might be a good idea to create something of your own. An excellent scheme to impress your way into the hearts and pants of your respective partners is to write them poetry. Some of you less literary minded folks might think writing some suitable verse would be a difficult task; however, with just a few guidelines and minimal practice, you could be the next John Keats, or at least the next Jewel.
        First of all, according to the provisions of the Jameson Convention, the word “Nantucket” must be used in any and all limericks. Keep this in mind should your foray into the world of poetry encourage you to get in touch with your Irish roots.
        Secondly, if you happen to be looking to get especially steamy, feel free to borrow lyrics from Al Green's songbook. He may be a man of the cloth now, but back in the day, he was definitely a man of the satin panties. He won't mind if you use his words to get your partner primed.
        Lastly, Haiku can be one of the more delicate and elegant methods to express your feelings. Thankfully for you procrastinators, it's also one of the shortest and quickest. All you have to do is arrange a few seemingly meaningful words into three lines of five, seven and five syllables respectively and you’re a poet. If you're completely stumped, I give you full permission to use the following: “Baby I love you/ Tonight I will rock your world/ Feel on my booty.”
        Now that you've got the flowers and the words, you'll be ready to give your partner enough sugar to make up for the candy you forgot to buy. However, if you've waited this long to get your sweetheart a Valentine’s Day gift, I’d imagine your relationship is working out about as well as a Michael Jackson’s marriage. Although Valentine’s Day may seem like a bad time to break the news, there's no reason to waste one more day in an unfulfilling relationship. In order to let your soon-to-be ex down gently, you might consider giving him or her a gift. I think an appropriate gift would be a glossy 8x10 of you in an illicit pose with your new boyfriend, Aggie columnist Jeff Lastname. I'll be alone and free all day. I have the time if you have the energy.
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JEFFY totally hearts you. If you choo-choo-choose him, e-mail him at jeffy@diaryland.com.