02.20.2002 - Interview Tips

Here's this week's column as it was intended to appear. Once again, my editor decided that it needed to be shorter, so for some reason, she decided to cut out like half the jokes. It's a conspiracy, dammit.

Anyway, enjoy.

What are your weaknesses?

If you're graduating this year, you're probably preparing for a real world that doesn't involve all-day Sunday marathons on MTV. While it's unfortunate that real life can't always be too-beautiful twenty-somethings in Ikea furnished palaces, those of you preparing to don the cap and gown are probably far too concerned with finding a job to worry about such things. As I've spent the past few months working in the staffing industry, I'm in a position to help you through the dreaded interview process. In my short time, I've endured more than my share of unbelievably horrific interviews. Because I firmly believe that we should learn from others' mistakes rather than our own, I'm passing along the following information that I've gathered from my work experience so you might have an advantage when it comes time for that big interview.

When leaving for your interview, it's important to make sure you're prepared. This includes bringing everything you need to make the interview go smoothly, leaving those things that might impede your ability to interview well at home and, above all, dressing properly. If you show up to an interview shirtless with a 40 oz. of Olde English in hand as one gentleman I interviewed this summer did, your chances of getting a job are about as good as those of Mariah Carey winning an Oscar. A good way to judge whether or not your apparel would be appropriate for an interview would be to ask yourself, "would I fit in at a funeral if I were wearing this outfit?" If you're dressed well enough to say goodbye to Grandma one last time, you're dressed well enough to meet your potential employers.

Along the same lines, it's important to practice good hygiene at least on the day of your interview. I've had the displeasure on more than one occasion of interviewing people who smell like they strapped on a pair of pants made out of onions and marinated for a week in a septic tank before gracing me with their presence. When an interviewer asks you what your professional goals are, it's incredibly difficult for us to pay attention to your answer when we're holding our breath to avoid your funktasticness. Get friendly with a bar of Zest and a tube of Aqua Fresh before you head to your job audition and your stock will soar.

You might also want to think about how it would affect your potential hirability the next time you consider getting a piercing or a tattoo. If you look like you fell down a flight of stairs while carrying a tackle box or if your head uncontrollably whistles when you run, your piercings are probably going to create a hurdle between you and a good paying job that Kobe Bryant couldn't jump in zero gravity. Likewise, I'd imagine the gentleman I interviewed who had more visible tattoos than teeth in his mouth will probably have a difficult time finding honest, gainful employment. The only job I think the guy was suited for would be to tour elementary schools showing off his decayed smile and oh-so-tough Cap'n Crunch tattoo in an effort to scare kids away from sugary cereals.

Unlike light beer commercials, appearance isn't everything in the land of interviews. You'll have to show your interviewer what makes you a more desirable candidate than the thirty or so other people he or she has interviewed for the same position. When given the opportunity to sell yourself, detailing the time you spent in the joint or your previous predilection for drugs probably shouldn't be your main point of focus. When I asked one gentleman to tell me about himself a few weeks ago, he replied, "well, I was in the joint for about four years for possession of crank, but I've been clean for the past three months." Rather than list your offenses right off the bat, it might be a good idea to list some positive qualities, such as your GPA, your desire to succeed, or in this man's case, the ability to hold up to a gram of methamphetamines in his kiester. Hit your highlights first, kids.

In addition, it's important to be careful about your language during an interview. Unless you're applying to be Andrew Dice Clay's personal secretary, leave the four letter words at home. Cursing is occasionally a good way to express your feelings, but unless your employer delivers a swift kick to your genitals as soon as you walk through the door, this is not one of those occasions. Save the swears for when you find out you didn't get the job because you came to the interview shirtless, reeking like a day old diaper, natural skin tone completely masked by tattoos and felt that the most important thing you could tell your interviewer about yourself is that you spent a few years on lockdown shacked up with a burly dude named "Bunny."

Hopefully, however, you should be able to avoid rejection if you take my suggestions to heart. Pay attention, or you might get forced into taking a graduation job that requires you to wear a paper hat. Put down the malt liquor, take a shower, remove your nosering and get the job you want.

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Let JEFFY know how your interviews are going by e-mailing him at

jeffy@diaryland.com.