03.12.2002 - Uninspired

Here is this week's column. I wanted to write something really strong, as it's my last for the quarter, but lacking for ideas, I had to mine past diary entries for something that would fill my word count. Instead of something good, you get this. I'm not very fond of it, but what can you do? Enjoy it if you can.

Break is for killing time

Spring break is almost upon it couldn't come a moment too soon. After being mentally drained by all-nighters to finish papers and cram for finals to the point that we probably couldn't tell the difference between Betty White and Barry White, we're rewarded with roughly a week free of classes. It's about this time every year that college students ask themselves, "what the hell am I going to do with my break?"

Many students choose to spend their time off on a sun-drenched beach, where what should be a week they'll never forget inevitably becomes a week they'll never be able to remember. Hedonism and debauchery quickly become a way of life, but far too difficult to pronounce after sucking back a few Piña Coladas. It seems the main allure of these tropical vacations is that they offer refreshing new backdrop for the drunken hookups they would have made at a party two weeks before. This is usually something that seems like a good idea, but the same effect can be achieved by cranking up the heater in your apartment, throwing on a bathing suit and passing out next to your new friend Jose Cuervo. It's less expensive and instances of catching any sexually transmitted diseases from just watching the MTV Spring Break coverage have been minimal.

Some of us, however, are not lucky enough to spend our Spring Break in an exotic locale and are forced to catch our tans from the harsh florescent light of our respective places of business. The stress from trying to study enough during finals week to make sure that the past ten weren't a complete waste of time is replaced for some with the stress trying to earn some much needed cash. It's not the worst way to spend a break, but I've never had an installment of Girls Gone Wild taped in my office, so it might not be the most exciting either.

In case you aren't making your way to the beach but are still lucky enough to go a week without working, I leave you for the quarter with the following list of some things that you can do to entertain yourself over the break:

1) Wear a tuxedo and buy pornography.

2) Fill a backpack with suspicious items. Take public transportation and have the contents of your bag "accidentally" fall out. Enjoy the puzzled looks on your fellow passengers' faces when they try to figure out why you're carrying around a box of latex gloves, an industrial sized tub of Vaseline and a copy of Sweatin' To The Oldies.

3) Host a bake sale directly outside a Weight Watchers meeting.

4) Fall down in a shopping mall and pretend to be lifeless for five minutes. When you spring to life, dust yourself off and pretend like nothing happened.

5) Invent a new instrument and play it in public. Pretend to be very upset when it doesn't work. Ask any onlookers if they know how to tune your new creation. Mock them if they say no.

6) Head down to the dairy aisle of the nearest grocery store and stage a demolition derby with the motorized sit-down shopping carts.

7) Steal your roommate's dirty underpants and hawk them on E-bay. Place them next to pictures of a bare-chested Louie Anderson as a selling point to make them seem extra sexy. Buy a helper monkey with the profits.

8) Harass the local dance studio until they agree to offer a class in pole dancing.

9) Paint a self-portrait. Take it to a museum and insist that they display it. When they refuse, go to the restroom and hang it there yourself.

10) Finally, forget about the last ten weeks spent with your head buried in a textbook by joining me for a day full of pancakes and tongue kissing. You deserve it.

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JEFFY wishes you luck on your finals. E-mail him at jeffy@diaryland.com and let him know your plans for Spring Break.