04.03.2002 - And I'm Not Satisfied

So, here's this week's column. I kind of forgot I had to write one, so I whipped it up quickly on Monday night. Hopefully it doesn't eat too much ass, because it's my first of the quarter. It's probably the last I'll post here, as I recently bought a domain where I can be more public, and this sort of thing will go there.

Don't worry, I'll still be writing here regularly. I just want something where I can use my last name so I can acheieve my goal of being the most famousest person on the face of the Erf.

Dig it.

I wanna know about the mystery dance

Whenever someone mentions sex education, I'm immediately transported back to seventh grade where I'm hunched over a long table in the poorly lit dust cradle that served as my science classroom. I remember being filled with nervous excitement and giggles before our sexual schooling started, hoping I'd finally learn techniques to put my seemingly constant twelve-year-old "I just hit puberty and don't know what to do with myself" erections to use. Little did I know instruction consisted of passing a fake scrotum around like a hot potato in order to avoid looking like we enjoyed it and watching a video about Terry, an unfortunately hairstyled young man, and his problems "down there." Even after spending the years since watching a completely different type of video and gaining ever valuable hands-on experience, I'm still bitter about the lack of useful knowledge passed along to my classmates and I in our Sex Ed course. If the folks running the California Department of Education ever got together, smoked a Chicken McNugget sized crack rock and as a result had the terrible lapse of judgement to let me have a say in the sexual education curriculum, there are definitely some topics I would add.

The first lesson in the Jeffy Sex Ed Regime would be how to properly remove a bra. There are few things more frustrating or embarrassing than fumbling unsuccessfully in the dark trying to unhook the clasp. Getting laughed at in public is okay. Getting laughed at while getting it on is not. Even if the young lady is patient and allows her partner to take his or her time, an extra minute spent fiddling is an extra minute without nipple access. According to my plan, learning this skill would be on par with reading A Wrinkle In Time or getting pantsed in the locker room as a requisite experience necessary in order to commence from middle school. Students who masterr either the one-hand or mouth removal technique will be awarded honors.

Secondly, I'd let the kids know that contrary to stories and films offered in class, not every sexual encounter leads to pregnancy or disease. Although the threat of STDs and unplanned conception are very real, safe behavior and protection can dramatically reduce your chances of being late or getting an unpleasant burning sensation. If real life were like your textbooks, roughly 80 percent of you would either be knocked up or contagious. Sex, thankfully, does not always result in uncomfortable conversations with your parents and doctor.

In addition, I'd take a page from Dr. Joycelyn Elders' book and demand that masturbation be discussed as an option in sex education classes. Certain members of the religious right misinterpreted comments that the former Surgeon General made at a luncheon and claimed that she advocated that children be taught how to masturbate, when she clearly meant that the facts should be presented so students could make their own judgements and decisions and choose to or not to engage in self-love. Still, President Clinton bowed to pressure and relieved her from her position. While this is a shame, it isn't the first time a man in power has fired a lower ranking woman because he felt threatened by her obviously superior intelligence. Masturbation is great so long as it doesn't conflict with your personal morals. I just wish it had been discussed when I was learning about sex so I wouldn't have felt guilty about doing something seen as taboo for so long. I'm glad I found out about it on my own, though, because were it not for the great pressure release, I would have had a brain aneurysm or exploded a long time ago.

Basically, Sex Ed programs would be much more useful if they were based less on overhead projections of genetaila line drawings and more on applicable information. We'd be happier, less frustrated and less confused. If we can't live in a country where we can have easily unsheathed breasts and an open dialogue on pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases or masturbation, well, then, the terrorists have won. Defend our democracy: teach our pubescent 'tweens and teens the truth.

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JEFFY doesn't care if you're a doctor. He still thinks chlamydia is a soup. E-mail him at jeffy@diaryland.com if you beg to differ.