04.09.2002 -> 04.14.2002 - Square Peg Vs. Round Hole

After about two weeks of cultivating a rapidly mounting craving for clarity, a blurted question and a calm, rational conversation later, all is clear, yet I'm left disappointed. What's worse: the knowing or not knowing? The longing or the loss?

The romantic facet of our relationship developed quickly and seemed to be going extremely well up until about two weeks ago. Upset because I wasn't able to see her as frequently as I would have liked, we had a conversation a while ago where she explained that she had some legitimate things going on in her life. I asked if I could do anything to help, and her answer was a simple "wait." I expressed that even though I understand her situation and I agreed that she should be focusing on other things, it's difficult for me not to feel rejected when I don't get to see her. She assured me she wasn't rejecting me, and I held onto that as I spent days alone thinking way too much. She promised to call me two days after that conversation, but five days later I still sat on my couch yelling at my cell phone because it wasn't ringing.

Eventually, she made that phone call and we spent some time together last week. For the first time since we met, things were noticeably awkward. I wanted to ask her about it then, but, heeding the advice of a respected friend, I decided to give it a full two weeks before I brought it up.

However, just as I was about to leave her apartment on Sunday, my mouth moved seemingly independent of my brain and spat out the words "where are we at right now?"

What followed would basically sound like a convoluted "it's not me, it's you" talk, but that's only because of my inability to properly recap what was said. It was really more logical, reasonable and less hackneyed than that. I felt a little relieved that I wouldn't have to question everything anymore, but distraught that she feels like things can't work. Although completely understandable, this ranks somewhere between "you might experience a burning sensation in your genitals soon" and "I hope you choke on a chicken McNugget and die" on the list of things I wanted to hear.

We agreed to be friends, and even though my track record and rational thought might indicate that it's not in the cards, I remain optimistic about it. Although I enjoyed and definitely want the romantic aspect, that's not the heart of why I appreciate her. She's smart, witty, open and seems to get most of my jokes. It's no secret that I'm a total misanthrope, and as such, I find it important to hang on tightly to those people I meet and don't hate.

Things have been better, but they could definitely be worse, so I'll keep my mouth shut. There's little more I can say without airing dirty laundry or seeming whiny, obsessive and pathetic, so that's my preferred course of action.

So that's all I'm going to say about that.

-- Jeffy