04.16.2002 - A Kind Of Obsolete Vernacular

Lately, I've actually been making an attempt and mostly succeeding to eat properly, exercise and get a set amount of sleep each day. Consequently, I've never felt more tire. I'd give healthy living the finger if I had the energy.

I'm glad I didn't waltz out to feed and play with the cat nude this morning, as has been my usual routine, because Jackson was actually awake and sitting at the kitchen table. He startled me a little bit because he's the type of creature who might spontaneously combust if up before noon. I ended up chatting with him and eating a bagel, which very nearly made me late to job number one.

One of the few drawbacks of my van is that I can't exactly drive it as quickly as I'd like. I had grown accustomed to driving the Eclipse around eighty-five or ninety miles an hour everywhere I went. The van's speedometer doesn't even have numbers that high. Besides, if I drove that fast, I'd end up getting about a half a mile to the gallon, and I'm not too keen on selling kidneys to fill up my tank enough to get to work. Because I no longer have the option to speed, I have to be very careful about when I leave so I'm not late. I'm very firm about punctuality.

Jets To Brazil say "don't be so German."

Jets to Brazil also occasionally make me want to wash down a bottle of vicodin with some Wild Turkey, but that's beside the point.

Anyway, I rushed to get to work on time and immediately questioned why I did so when I got to my desk, as I had less than nothing to do today. Since the company vigorously tracks what I do on the internet, I can't very well spend eighty percent of my day on Diaryland. They don't, however, track what I do in Notepad, so I took my free time today to write a couple of entries and send them to myself to post later. I haven't had the time to update this as much as I would like, but I'd like to get back in the swing of that again. I'm not sure if I'm sorry about not updating regularly or if I'm sorry that I'll be updating more. You decide which apology fits your needs.

Between that and trying to decide if anyone would give me a second look if I poured gasoline on my crotch, struck a match and sang all of Englebert Humperdink's song catalogue, I was able to kill most of my time without actually having to think about the fact that I'm now someone's professional bitch. This is an accomplishment.

Directly from job one, I drove to job two, which constituted my "lunch break" for the day. I didn't really need a meal though, because I'm almost always full from eating so much dick at job one.

When I got to job two, the e-mail with instructions on my tasks sitting in my inbox made me happy if only because I wouldn't have to spend another two hours trying to recreate the ass dent in my old desk chair while I waited for the regional manager to call. I dilly dallied a bit and worked as half-assedly as I ever have, but still managed to do about twice as much as was expected of me. I spend a lot of my time wondering where I'd be if I actually had the drive to actualize my full potential, which, ironically, keeps me from doing the work that would allow me to succeed. I need a post it note to remind me to stop thinking.

As I pounded away on the keyboard, my boss came in to chat it up. He's well aware that were the things I want in life right now cattle, I'd have about a dozen wildly straying from the herd and the rest suffering from mad cow disease. He jokingly suggested that I go out for drinks with him and hang myself so I'll feel better. It sounded good to me, and if I didn't have plans to see The Royal Tenenbaums, I probably would have taken him up on it.

And, yes, I did see The Royal Tenenbaums for the sixth time. Our campus cinema showed it tonight, and if I weren't dead tired, I would have seen it a seventh and final time on the big screen. Jackson says he wants to marry that movie. I think I'll just hump it on the side, behind his back.

Once home, I threatened to go to sleep promptly, but had trouble focusing on the task at hand. Once I finally did fall asleep, I had a dream about running into someone who recognized me from my column while I was naked and being chased after I ran away in fear. I will get some rest one of these days.

-- Jeffy