04.24.2002 - National Executive Administrative Assistant Day sounds better

Although I always thought it would be nice to have a holiday in my honor, but when I found out I get to celebrate rather than ignore National Secretary's Day, I have to say I felt a little like vomiting. I remember those "nobody ever says 'I want to be a junkie when I grow up'" commercials, but I'd venture a guess that more people say they want to be junkies than secretaries. I have a feeling I'm going to be both, as I'm surely going to need a hefty dose of black tar heroin to help me deal with my current niche in the business world.

At least my boss is kinda sorta looking out for me. Today, however, she asked me several loaded, "do I look fat in these pants" sort of questions, inquiring as to whether I'm bored, if I enjoy my job or if there's anything she can do to make my job better. There is no good answer to any of these questions. Rather than giving a totally straight answer to the latter of those questions, I said that my job would be far less instrumental if I had more creative tasks than busy work to do. Surprisingly, she didn't take this as an insult, and asked everyone in the department to let me know if I could help them with any such tasks.

So, one of those things, apparently is to record a message on an automated help line, and while a manager in my department went directly to someone else to record this message, that person sort of deflected it to me. The manager suggested we have some sort of contest to decide who got to record the message. My opponent thought it might be a good idea to have a swimsuit contest and model Speedos to see who won. The manager sized me up and down, and disgustedly growled, "umm . . . no thanks" before maniacally laughing.

Oh snap! I got dissed, yo.

Did I mention that the manager is flamboyantly gay? A strong majority of the men in my department are. I affectionately referred to it as the Land of the Lisp before I decided it was insensitive.

As if I needed more blows to my ego, before asking me to pick up her lunch, my boss asked me if I had any "hot college boy friends who are interested in older women."

What am I? Chopped liver?

It's not like I'm interested or anything, but damn, if you're going to use me, use me, already.

As a treat for National Secretary's Day and as motivation to not spit in her food, my boss gave me a few extra dollars to buy myself lunch. Any joy from that, however, was negated, because I always feel like a supreme asshole when I have to stress to the poor fast food employee that I need EXACTLY six packets of ketchup. The girl today laughed uncomfortably, and probably marked me down on her mental checklist so she could "hock a nice loogie in that crazy bastard's french fries."

At least that killed the last hour of work before I had to go to job #2. I've divided my remaining work there so that I should be done by Friday. I paced myself so I finished today's portion exactly at five thirty. I just wish I could have gotten out of work altogether today so I could have gone to sushi and Tapioca Express with Jackson to give him moral support when he met the girl he's been stalking. A brother gots to make tha skrillz though. Word?

One thing I miss about working in Woodland is being able to stop at the Grocery Outlet on the way home. Today, I took advantage of proximity to drop by to pick up some liquor and ice cream. Jeffy is all about healthy living.

Once home, I finally got down to the laundry I've been meaning to do all week before settling on my couch and shoving my hand down my pants while I watched "Dawson's Creek." Fun times on a Wednesday night, I tell you.

While I love Spring, I could do without the allergies. Feeling like I had something small and angry trying to force its way out of my head sent me to bed early for the second consecutive night. I fell asleep to the sound of Arnold Schwarzeneger's voice repeating the phrase "IT'S NOT A TUMOR" over and over in my head. Here's to hoping both Mr. Kindergarten Cop and my sinus headache will be gone by the time I wake up on Thursday.

-- Jeffy