09.19.2002 - Home Sweet . . . Holy Sweet Aunt Jemima

A scraggly teenager prowls the gravel parking lot of the Cow Palace on a balmy Spring night in 1984, his mood vacillating between pure excitement and utter disbelief. He found God tonight through a blistering guitar solo and a fifth of Jagermeister. Without warning, he forcefully thrusts his fist into the air and screams, "VAN HALEN KICKS FUCKING ASS!"

This basically approximates my feelings for the past three days, only I've found bliss through housing rather than an especially tight run-through of "Hot For Teacher." Also, my mom probably won't have to hold back my flowing mullet as I eject the contents of my bowels into the toilet anytime soon, so that's a plus.

Regardless, my new place, much like Van Halen, kicks fucking ass indeed.

After just over two weeks of couch surfing with friends and relatives, Rodney, Jackson and I began to move our belongings into our home for at least the next twelve months on Monday at four in the afternoon. Even though having to move all of my belongings across town in one day and not getting to move in for two weeks irked me initially, it was actually nice because I forgot about the sweat I worked up that day and instead enjoyed only spending about two hours unpacking all my stuff and getting my room set up. It was like Moving a la Carte. Not entirely unpleasant.

The only things wrong with the situation right now are minor and will be resolved shortly. The previous owners, unbeknownst to us, decided to take the refrigerator, leaving us with Jackson's mini-fridge until his parents replace the missing appliance.

Also, the only furniture we have in our living room are two chairs and a footstool. We have neither a couch nor anything on which we can place my mammoth television. These things are negligible, however, as I have wonderful roommates and a house that's way nicer than I deserve. Rodney is incredibly positive, kind and has quite possibly the foulest smelling gas to which I've ever borne witness. And Jackson, well, we'd have babies with each other if it were physically possible. It should be a good year.

Sleeping in my own bed for the first time in a while was nice, although waking up in my new room proved to be a bit jarring. The beveled doors and incredibly high ceilings made me feel as if I had somehow dreamed this all and regained consciousness in the Haunted Mansion's elevators in Disneyland. Thankfully, the new location shaves about ten minutes off of my commute time, so I had ample time to clean up after I soiled myself.

Work was kind of embarassing in that I didn't do a gotdamned thing all day, yet when my boss introduced a new addition to the team around the office, she stopped in front of my desk and gushed at length about how I'm her favorite and I'm always on top of things. At least I can get a decent letter of reccomendation before she leaves. She took a job heading up the Help Desk at The Gap and will leave before the merger closes. She's currently trying to find a way to hide me in the system so nobody at the company realizes they're employing an assistant for someone who no longer works there. In the meantime, I'm perusing the classifieds.

Yesterday, after I got out of the shower, I came around the corner and saw Rodney standing in the middle of the hallway in his underwear, grinning and pinching his nipples. This shocked me to the point that I inadvertantly dressed like a leprechaun transported across time from the 1970's to today. It took me several hours to realize I dressed myself entirely in green polyester. Had I known earlier, I would have scuttled about the office asking everyone, "whar be me pot o' gold?" before clicking my heels and running out of the room. I always miss the good opportunities.

Later in the evening, I learned the dangers of living in tract housing and not owning a refrigerator. Since we can't keep any perishables, cooking can be difficult. Since I hadn't had any nutrition at all, I decided getting something to eat would be a good idea sometime in the mid-evening. When I came back, I thought I saw Jackson's car in the driveway, so I pulled up, got out of the van and began walking up the path when I saw an attractive girl and three dudes standing on the lawn giving me the oddest looks. I didn't realize I was at the wrong house for a long awkward thirty seconds. I think I just qualified for the Special Olympics.

I'm having fun showing people the new place. Alyssa, who is thankfully back in town, came over briefly after she bought Jackson and I sushi. It probably wasn't the best time to come over, as I slipped into an inpenetrable buffet coma shortly thereafter, but at least she got to see it. Mr. Bestfriendinthewholewideworld and Veronica have also made appearances. If you'd like to be added to the list, just ask.

It's good to feel at home.

-- Jeffy