05.20.2003 - Television, you're my only friend

Motherfucker, I have got to stop watching so much television.

Thanks to my current state of unemployment (yes, still) I've been spending a lot more time in front of the TV than normal.

Well, truthfully, it's not just because I'm unemployed. Sure, it helps, but I'd probably be watching more TV these days anyway. May means Sweeps! Season Finales! NBA Playoffs! Hooray!

Aside from all the season ending hoo-hah going on right now, I just got five hundred glorious channels of digital cable.

You might be asking yourself, "Jigga, if you is unemployed, why you be shellin' out the skrills for totally unnecessary and extravagant cable? And don't you owe me money, bitch?"

Well, my ghetto fabulous friend, I discovered a deal (i.e. scam) where I could get digital cable for three months for less than the cost of my previous, pitiful cable package. Instead of paying twelve dollars for four and a half channels, I pay ten and I get eleven ESPNs. It's a great deal until I have to scale back in August. The cable company is not unlike a crack dealer. The first hit's free, kids.

So aside from the twelve hours of Sportscenter that has now become part of my daily routine, I've had to pencil in time to watch some things which, sadly, are important to me.

The Kings situation is insane in this area. Back in March, I remember driving through downtown Sacramento, and while every other city in the country had people declaring their support for our troops, the buildings there had banners declaring their support for the local basketball team. It's contagious. Like herpes, but in the good way.

I am not immune to Kings Fever. I watched them closely all season and truly believed that this was their year to win the title.

So you can imagine how loudly I screamed when Chris Webber's knee gave out. I dropped a lot of f-bombs during that Kings-Mavs series. The Kings exiting in the second round this year is proof that God hates me and He hates Sacramento too.

On one of the nights last week when the league mercifully decided not to schedule a late game, I turned the lights down low and warned everyone to shut the fuck up for two hours so I could watch the last ever episode of Dawson's Creek in silence.

I started watching Dawson's Creek when the first episode aired and made it a point to watch every episode thereafter. While I genuinely liked the show at first, eventually I started watching it partially for kitsch value and partially out of obligation. Not watching The Creek would be like leaving a lover-- a melodramatic, brooding lover with a thesaurus.

By the end of the run, I was ready for the show to end. There was a point in the next-to-last episode where I said, out loud, "I hate all these people now." Dawson's a little bitch. Pacey taps way too much ass to be so discontent. Joey's in love with being in love or in love with being in love with dipshits. Jen went from being a tough young woman to being way too needy. I shouldn't want to watch any of these people.

Still, I'm sad to see it go.

They orchestrated the last episode perfectly. It might be the most manipulative two hours of television I've ever seen. They stretched out Jen's death over ninety minutes of the show, ensuring that most people would forget the finale because they cried through the whole thing. The WB must be getting kickbacks from Kleenex.

In the series finale, there were four instances of the word "fag" and nine of the word "soulmate." I'm not sure which is more offensive.

I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do with my Wednesday nights from now on.

At least I still have Gilmore Girls to occupy my time and keep my sexuality ambiguous.

I have a bizarre emotional connection with this show. I can't really explain it. It's like these fictional characters are my pals. Also, I've fallen for Lorelai-- not the actress, the fictional character. I am entirely aware that this is unhealthy.

Rory graduated from high school tonight and I fucking got choked up. I haven't cried in seven years and a teen melodrama almost made me lose my shit.

In related news, I'm growing a vagina.

Now that my stories are over for the year and I'm still jobless, I should probably find something constructive to do with my time. Unless clearing out my social schedule so I can watch reruns of The Adventures of Pete and Pete and the Clueless TV show counts as doing something constructive, I don't see that happening anytime in the near future.

-- Jeffy